I Have a Cunning Plan

It’s been more than 15 years since I had my first memberships with Columbia House and BMG. I joined, got my 12 cassette tapes and 7 CDs for a penny with each membership, bought the minimum number of tapes and CDs, and then quit. (When I was in high school, that’s how most of us got our music.)

Then I went to college. Columbia House and BMG must have some deal worked out where they get a mailing list of all the students enrolled in classes because I started getting the offers again in my school P.O. box, and I joined again, and quit again, and that was that.

After a year or so, Columbia House stopped sending me the “Please, come back!” and “We miss having you as a member!” stuff, but BMG just won’t stop. I ended my BMG membership 10 years ago, but they have followed me to three different residences in three different towns. It’s weird.

Just imagine that there are BMG-branded Terminators who keep chasing you, and you can’t kill them with bullets, or blow them up with pipe bombs, or run over them with a semi-truck. They just keep coming after you, with their Austrian-accented robot voices saying “Buy 12 CDs for the price of one, with nothing more to buy, ever!”

Anyway, I have this brilliant idea, and it will work. If, in the near future, the U.S. “finds” Osama bin Laden, you’ll know that it’s pure bullshit. I promise, if they find bin Laden (and they will now), it’ll be because of my plan, a plan so cunning and clever it’s cunningly clever…and brilliant…too.

But it’s also so stupid that, if it were ever divulged that this — this stupid, clever, cunning, brilliant plan — was actually what caught Osama bin Laden, our current administration would be proven to be even more incompetent than we all fear and know it is today.

So, here is my cunning plan:

I forget what bin Laden’s selections are, but I know he’s getting some Kelly Clarkson, Eddie Money, Neil Diamond, and maybe some Metallica.

Now, we just have to sit back and wait for BMG to reel him in. The White House will lie about it, of course, to stop BMG from taking credit for the capture, but we’ll know the truth.

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