When Cindy and I first saw the commercial for Hasbro’s new Super Soaker Oozinator, we were shocked, stunned, and stupefied. Over at Dorkeriffic, another blog I contribute to, Potatobiker’s post has reminded me about the new “toy”. (So, you can consider this a sort of double posting, I guess.)
From Dorkeriffic:
As the kids say, “DISGUSTING!” Seriously, your jaw will hit the floor. And it appears this is actually on the Hasbro site. In Oklahoma, we worry about books makin? our kids gay. Guns are manly!
Hey, guns are manly! Gay and manly. Kind of reminds me of that scene in Reservoir Dogs where they all draw their guns on each other. Now there was some homo-erotic, pistol-pulling, phallic-waving action. And, wow, what a climax, huh?
Anyhoo…if you missed the links…
– Watch the Super Soaker Oozinator commercial.
– Visit the the Oozinator page on the Hasbro website.
Some of my favorite naughty bits from the Oozinator page (with comments):
Sneak up on your opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack! (Sneak up…because running and masterbating at the same time is hard to do…so they tell me.)
Just when they think you’re coming at ?em with water, blast ‘em with a shot of icky bio-ooze! (Think you’re getting a golden shower? Well, you’re right…but first…)
Shoot out globs of gooey bio-ooze and then drench ‘em with water! (Pretty much speaks for itself, I think.)
It’s a double blast attack… (Bring a friend!)
…that’ll keep your opponents on their toes and running during every water fight. (Don’t cross the streams!)
With the OOZINATOR blaster you don’t just get soaked, you get drenched! (Promises, promises.)
…drench your opponents with powerful blasts of water or globs of gooey bio-ooze! (Seriously, “bio-ooze”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?)
Hit targets up to 35 feet away with a 27-ounce water-supply capacity or up to 20 feet away with a 10-ounce bio-ooze capacity! (Just like Peter North! – Link Not Safe For Work)
Blaster comes with 10-ounce cartridge of bio-ooze. (Just like Peter North! – Link Not Safe For Work)
That it shoots “bio-ooze” makes the action of pumping the gun in a back and forth motion horribly suggestive. And then, at the end of the commercial, the kid looks at his gun and says “Awesome!”?
Are you kidding me? Who approves this shit?
This is probably the worst idea to come along since the vibrating Harry Potter broomstick that kids were expected to put between their legs.
You better get a Super Soaker Oozinator while you can. One day, you’ll tell people about it and they won’t believe you…and you’ll want to have proof.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I didn’t know they made a vibrating Harry Potter broomstick. I want a vibrating Harrry Potter Broomstick!
Chris, what the hell is the matter with you? NO ONE in their right mind would see the sort of perverted stuff that you saw in that commercial!
What the hell is the matter with America? When did it stop being okay for pre-teen boys to vigorously pump their guns and shoot organic matter all over each other? It’s people like you who are ruining this country with your perverted minds. If my son wants to frolick in the yard with his little friends on a sweaty summer day, flinging handfulls of bio-ooze on each other…laughing and rubbing it onto one another’s chests…maybe…licking it off of their hands while grinning at each other…who are you to sully that with your dirty mind?
I know. I know. And of course I do realize, as we all do, that the most perverted and dangerous toy — the one that is the real threat to America’s pre-teen boys — is a talking Barbie doll that knows math.
“a talking Barbie doll that knows math”
Brilliant.
If you’re a Hasbro executive, you know you have to be a little worried (or hopefully you are), if you can do a search for “oozinator bukkake” and have more than zero hits come up.
Amazon has apparently deleted some of the user reviews for the Oozinator, but The Consumerist has saved a few of them, which are, um, delicious.
Oh, man, those are great! I almost choked on my coffee when I read the review title “Mine shoots too soon”.